a kaddish for Caprica

Something was bound to go wrong on the Tzaddik's first Yahrtzeit.

It was a day I had hoped to bring my mother to the cemetery for the first time — for she herself had been too gravely ill to understand at the time that he had actually died. In the next room. In her house. Though when I told her that day, not knowing if she understood, she suddenly awoke out of her brain damage for the very first time. Her mind began to struggle back to life.

But this year too, the Tzaddik's wife was too ill to be brought to his still unmarked grave.

I'd controlled the tears all day just waiting to unleash them at the right time, the right place. And goddamn it, I still wanted to visit my father's grave, despite it getting dark already, despite it being rush hour by the time I was leaving Berkeley. I got lost, of course. Got hung up in a wrong lane, and ended up heading for Marin instead of wherever it was I was supposed to be. And I started falling into this insanity: Does he mind? Is he upset? Disappointed? Did he expect it? Doesn't he deserve better than this? How could I leave him there alone? Again. Still. Unmarked. All I wanted to do was something completely out of character: throw myself on his grassy mound (if I could even find it) and wail.

Impressions of Irene Pappas as Elektra: I wanted to pour libations upon his unmarked grave. I was born for this role.

It was now pitch black outside. The cemetery, even if I could find it, was already closed.

The Tzaddik lay there patiently, behind those enormous iron gates, alone in his allocated spot — gypped again out of his due. But you know how the tzaddikim are. The lamed-vavniks. They're a very patient lot. They're saints. Literally.

I crawled across the bridge. It took hours. Bumper to bumper. It was a Tuesday. I had worked myself into a raving lunatic, at least on the inside. Started focusing on not cracking up the car, instead.

I thought, okay, I'll go home and wallow in Caprica for a while. Not that Caprica would (or could) lift my spirits.

Caprica was killing off good characters left and right. Bummer. Didn't they have something better to do? And the Adamas — except for Sam — were a whiney lot.

Still stuck in traffic here. With time to think about the Caprican/BSG mystery that bothers me the most. The one I think no one else cares about.

Adama.

For Adama, of course, means earth in Hebrew. Earth.

I mean, did they do that on purpose? I mean, they must have, right?

And throughout BSG I expected this to come up. But no, it never did. Adama searching for Earth. A destroyed Adama, finding a destroyed Earth. A renewed Adama finding a renewed Earth. Adama naming Earth 'Earth.'

And nobody saying a word about it.

So, of course I figured it would have to come up in Caprica. But these Adamas were a snivvely, sorry lot. And why wouldn't they be? Their own land had been heavily colonized (in the old sense of the word) and exploited. This is all so terribly biblical...

And stuck in traffic, contemplating BSG puzzles, and Caprican potentials, my mind began to settle a bit.

At home, for some reason Caprica had not recorded.

Had I screwed something up? Where was my fix on this awful day? Eventually, I looked online to see if it had been preempted. Tuesday night Caprica just wasn't as fun as Friday night Caprica (or BSG). But shit! It was gone. Just frakking gone.

Caprica died shooting self in foot.

I mean, think about it. The post-apocalyptic BSG had had rough times, but an awful lot to laugh about as well. And here was pre-terminal hedonistic Caprica with nothing but angst, desperation and turmoil everywhere you turn. The only character having even a smidgen of fun was the PhD candidate in Graystone's lab — so yah, why not just blow him away in a careless random moment of meaninglessness?

Was there nothing better to do than gratuitously blow away good characters just to what? Wonder who's gonna get axed the following week? Poor strategy.

Rh thinks Caprica got cancelled because it was too queer-friendly. Do you think the show lost viewers on moral grounds? I mean the whole panorama was right out of Ibn Khaldun: Permissiveness gives way to its own destruction...

I didn't cry for Caprica — although my tears had been waiting all day for some good excuse to let loose. No, I didn't cry — I got mad instead. All that great potential — wasted!

As far as I'm concerned, I'd have been just fine if they'd taken the whole cast, one by one, and locked them into those robotic Cylon bodies. Yearning for another crack at resurrection.

David Eick and company aren't crying either, 'cause they too have resurrection in mind. Another spin-off of BSG. This one tentatively called, Battlestar Gallactica: Blood and Chrome. This one is to take place when Adama is in his early 20s — around forty years before the fall.

Can I say for the record: blech.

I guess the problem wasn't so much morality dissonances but that boys just weren't getting their blow-em-up spaceship fix. And I'm sure the costs/benefits analysis concurs. Blowing up shit is literally more bang for the buck.

I still haven't gone back to the cemetery. But it seems to me that each day brings another reason to pour a libation upon a Tzaddik's grave.

When I finally do go, I'm going to tell my dad all about Adama, as he lies there underneath. He'll have a good chuckle about it. And because he can perform miracles, I'm hoping to see the Earth move when I'm there.

If you read of any earthquakes on that day, just know it's the Tzaddik having a little giggle over Adama — and under adama, too.

drug of choice: bsg

I'm not sure who it was who hooked me on BSG. Maybe I stumbled on it myself? Pretty unlikely. Maybe it was a colleague of mine who was raving about the visions... Trouble was, one shot of BSG and I was hooked. And while I've always maintained that I've tried every drug in existence, the truth is a) this was somehow different, and b) I'd certainly never gotten hooked on anything before.

I don't believe this particular addiction will rot my brain. The problem, of course, was the withdrawal.

And trying to find a methadone cure that might wean me off of BSG, there was only one reasonable substitute, and it only worked for a few months and it won't be available again until next January. And I'm afraid that the withdrawal substitutes currently available might indeed rot my brain — and I know I'm not alone in this concern.

And I think we should all get together and just sue SyFy for their sadistic withholding of the Caprica fix until January, 2011.

When the BSG Finale was about to air, I did something I'd never done before: I ordered satellite TV for the first time in my life. There was no way I was going to be able to wait the six months or so that it would take before the last season came out on DVD. And suddenly, I was watching TV. That's the horror of it. I became a viewer of nothing worth watching.

That is, all the other junk that happened on TV apart from BSG. And I kept saying I'd get rid of the satellite TV once BSG was over, but well, they were already filming Caprica and I thought I should give that a shot, right? In the meantime, brain rot.

And then we got a hit of the Caprica pilot, and had to wait even longer for the season to begin. And then it was only about half a season, anyway, and more waiting ... and I got sucked into even more brain jelly shows.

The problem is, I'm a vision junkie. And these other shows have no vision. The fix is ephemeral. I can't remember anything of significance even an hour later. They just leave me hungry for substance. BSG never failed (or rarely failed) to offer up that larger history forcing you to struggle with the really large questions, and forcing you to face the fact that the larger questions are always worth examining.

And that throughout these cycles of history, humans (or whatever) will continue to make the same mistakes, frequently in the same ways. And that we will continue to struggle with the notion of a higher purpose, and that we will want that higher purpose to exist, and want it to offer us a rationale for our poor choices. We'll struggle with technology not being the panacea we hoped it would be, and our disappointment that saviors are filled with self interest (when you meet them up close). BSG reminds us that religious movements thrive in times of social distortion. That no one is purely good or purely evil. That we'll keep making poor choices. That we keep wanting more visions ... Keep expecting saviors to bail us out...

Mostly, I think, what I was hooked on even with Caprica, was that magnifying mirror held up showing the mistakes we're making right now that we still don't want to acknowledge. Blackheads on the collective face of society, more easily visible under the magnification. And a show that proves you can't really solve the larger mystery in one episode, one season, one year, or even in one series.

Caprica promised to look at the roots of our malaise and force us to really see it. And I think Caprica does deliver. Or it would, or it might, if SyFy would just give it half a chance and show the bloody season already and let us junkies have our little fix.

Instead, we get the rest of television: Shows that resolve satisfactorily every unsolved 'case' in less than an hour — and the case isn't large enough to consume us, anyway. Isn't large enough to care about. Where's that larger vision? Where's the mirror held up showing us the consequences of our actions? I hate to admit this, but Caprica does an even better job at this than BSG. Or it would, if they'd just run the damned show and stop jerking us around dribbling it out in such small doses. To be fair, I probably just don't understand how TV programming actually works. Still, I contemplate ripping out the satellite dish, but know that I'm now too hooked on even all the other crap out there to go cold turkey. Recommendations for a cure are welcome.

The closest I've come to an antidote is called 'real life.'

And it's filled with nightmare oil spills, and unresolved devastation from the Persian Gulf to the Gulf Coast. Natural disasters, or the wrath of the One True God, or man's inescapable hubris, (depending on your point of view). The antidote entails waking up out of the comfortable apocalypse of BSG and facing all the signs of the one before us.

Yah, I know, much less fun. But it's worth a shot. Until we can fall back into the dreamscape of the BSG universe. I mean, if BSG and Caprica really are a better drug of choice, they should teach us something — teach us that we're part of the story — and that it's up to us to play our parts inside that vision.

And that no matter how we act in the so-called real world, that even the smallest of our own actions is more profound or consequential than any that appear so magnified in front of us upon the plasma screen.

At least till January, anyway.