Thursday, December 15, 2011

the ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny diet

I've been reading these amazing diet books, which could drive a man insane.  At the one extreme is Dukan (recommended reading from my daughter) and at the other extreme is Skinny Bitch, before which I'm probably the last person in America to stumble and fall.  Reading these two together is, as I said, completely crazy making.

But wait! There's anthropological distance!

So. I've decided, with all of my knowledge of 19th century unilinear social evolutionary false categories, to make up a diet of my own.  Clearly the field is wide open to all takers.  Oh. Don't worry. I know the name's a misnomer. But I like the sound of it better than Morgan's Unilineal Social Evolutionary Diet. Which is not as appetizing.

I call it the 'ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny' diet.  Cookbook to follow.

And this is my first go at it, so you're welcome to add in your own two cents worth of sea salt (or whatever).

I've decided to make it Creationist-friendly. Who am I, after all, to discriminate?

So. This diet is seven days long. And then repeat.  This should keep you in touch with either the evolutionary process or Creation, take your pick.  On the seventh day you can rest.  Just wait and see.  (And please note, this is right off the top. No edits. Not yet).

Day One—Gather:  On the first day, you may eat what has fallen from the trees and bushes and shrubs.  We haven't even invented hunting yet. We're barely even scavengers of the carnivorous beasts yet. Still too dangerous. We're pre-hunting-and-gathering, being of the gathering-only persuasion.  No fire. So don't cook.

Note that I'm not saying on Day One eat eggs and on Day Two eat frogs.

Day Two—Scavenge: On this day, we commemorate our vast leap into the realm of following the big predators and eating their left-overs. This includes sucking out left-over bone marrow, and sucking on bones.  We've managed fire. Yay us. So. Take that stuff you're still gathering. Add the bones. And a bunch of flavored grasses (like chives...), as well as the miracle of salt, and appreciate soups today. And the acquired taste of stuff thrown into fire.

Day Three—Huntin' an fishin': Oh, how we've progressed! Now we kill things. And boy, with that invention of fire, have we gotten a sweet-tooth for it. So. Pig out. Literally. Catch your limit and don't throw any back. Wrap those trout in bacon (something I've recently learned from my favorite hunting-and-fishing family in the world) and stick 'em on the grill.  Throw on some roasted almonds. More of those chives and a sprinkle of sea-salt. Enjoy the innocence of killing for food. A shame the killing part got so addictive.

Day Four—Horticulture:  It's an early stage of growing stuff.  Really early. As in, plunk it in the ground, go off still hunting and fishing. Come back a season later, and voilà!  Manioc! That you get to beat with a stick and leach out the bad stuff. And then wow, the possibilities are endless. And not just tapioca pudding.
Oh, but now we've got the taste for the really starchy stuff.

Day Five—Agriculture: Which first started out pretty good until we decided to make everything refined and white.  So. On this the fifth day, you can have your cake and eat it too. Just today and not tomorrow. All the home-baked breads and pies and cakes that you can imagine. This is the stage Real Estate agents love. They trick home buyers who just can't resist.  Cinnamon rolls baking in the oven!

Note that Jacob and Esau play this dietary battle out. The competition between hunter/gatherer's stage (roasted meat and lentils) and agrarian diet (pita and hummus, with baklava for dessert). In case you don't remember, Jacob (agriculture) wins. Esau is hypoglycemic which leads (it's a long story why) to his losing his birthright. Jacob (agriculture) not only wins, but gets an additional prize: to be renamed 'Israel'. But that's another story.

Day Six—Chemicals: If you're not totally revolted by the deterioration of your evolutionary recapitulation yet, this is the day for you. For now, we've invented better living through chemistry. Additives. God, how we've evolved! Twinkies! If you're gonna go out and commit a crime, do it on Day Six and call it a sugar/carb/additive overload.

Day Six might feel like the pinnacle of the evolutionary process in your week's recapitulation, but no. Day Seven is always what it's about.

Day Seven—Cholent: Here it is. The Sabbath.  Mom's authentic antidote to the entire week slowly drying out in the oven. Not to worry. It's kosher. Cholent and chicken soup will make you long to start the week all over again. Long for nothing more than picking dried cranberries off the kitchen counter. Or dipping into the dry-roasted almond jar. Simple fare, you're longing for. Realizing not that we've come a long way, baby, but that all we really want to do is return to simpler days and simple pleasures.

That's it. That's all I've got. A good meditation on what it really means to be human, and how hard we've worked to get here.

No comments:

Post a Comment